Finding It. But what is it?

I came to London to try and find something.

But I never really knew what it was or where’d or how’d I’d find it. But I knew I would find it here.

Find it by being away from home. By being in the uncomfortable. The uncertain. Being in a place where you have to say yes to a lot of things. Where you are constantly surrounded by people. Where there reality of the world is surrounding you every day.

I find myself feeling homesick mostly when I am around people from home. Maybe it’s the familiarity and the memories they bring up that make me miss the security and ease of that place.

Hearing people say stuff like London makes you tired is definitely not the easiest thing- because you start to wonder why did you come here? Why didn’t you stay home in your perfectly organized room, with all your lovely friends and family and the sunshine?

But then you start to realize a few things.

That’s why you came here. You left all that behind to start raw again. To dig deep and find yourself in a place that is completely not you. Because that’s when its most obvious. That’s when your character and the things that make you you really stand out.

Maybe it’s that inner strength, and that ability to not fall down or cry or whinge or be questioning everything. But instead you just hold your head high, see the beauty of the situation and just listen. Listen and learn. And take to heart that this isn’t the perfect situation, but it is part of the path that will take you to that place.

It’s the ability to talk about home with a sense of pride and reflection, yet being able to be satisfied with where you are, knowing that for right now, for this moment, this is home, and this is a better place for you.

It’s being able to be in situations where everything around you is completely not you, it’s the complete opposite of what you believe. Because in those moments, you feel so out of it, and so not in place, and it hits you- This is not me. I am the complete opposite.

I still don’t know what I came here searching for. Maybe it was to string all the little bits together in order to discover myself, or see more of the world, or gain a fresh perspective as many of them say.

But for now, it’s still hard to say I’ve found it or I know what it is. Because I don’t.

But I do know that I am learning and growing and seeing and experiencing and being alive! Because I feel homesick, and out of place, and uncomfortable and ridiculously excited and so so thrilled. Emotions I didn’t feel at home.

But I see myself come through all of it.

I see ME!

Something I couldn’t find anywhere else but in London.